Guy Lakeman version

twas the night before christmas,
when nearby my house
all the creatures were stirring
even the mouse

the stokers, well hung
by the chimney with care
hoping some damp panties
soon would be there

the children were nestled
with hot chocolate in bed
while visions of salty bums
danced in our heads

and mom up to mischief
wearing my cap
had just settled down
on the pot for a crap

out on the lawn
the neighbours did chatter
so I fell out of bed wondering
what the f-k is the matter

off to the toilet
I ran in a flash
I had the squitters
and went fo a slash

The moon on the breast
Of the new fallen snow,
whoever wrote that
must have just had some blow

then what to my squinted eyes
should appear
but a small dirty sleigh
and some puny reindeer

with a short arsed old driver
he looked a real prick
I knew right away
it's that bastard Saint Nick

faster than the eagles
his music it came
as he swore and he shouted
and called them all names

now dasher
now dancer
now prancer
now vixen
on comet
on cupid
on donner
and blitxen

(where the fuck is rudolf?)

through a hole in his pants
he scratched his old balls
he scratched away, scratched away
scratched away all

as dry grass
before a strong wind fly
when it meets with an obstacle
everyone gets high…

so, up on the house top
the corsets they flew
with a sleigh full of tarts
and St Nick sniffing glue

and then in a twinkling
I heard on the roof
the scratching and clawing
of drunks on the roof

I was holding my head
and was turning around
when down the chimney St Nicholas
came in his hand!!!

he was dressed all in fur
from his head to his foot
and his bollocks were all tarnished
with ashes and soot

he was with a few slappers
had not sent them all back
and he looked like a piddler
flat on his back

his eyes how they twinkled
his palms were all sweaty
his cheeks were like roses
his nose very runny

his dribbling mouth
was full of old blow
and the beard on his chin
was just ready to go

the stump of his pipe
he could hold in his teeth
and the lips round its head
also licked underneath

he had a broad on his face
with a little round belly
that twitched and squirmed
as he pumped in the jelly

he was chubby and plump
a right jolly old elf
as he pumped at her pussy
I laughed to myself

a wink of his eye
and a twist of the head
he soon let me to know 
the old bugger were'nt dead

he spoke not a word
as he went straight to work
and filled up their stockings
with a couple of jerks

an layin a finger 
alonside his nose
like a seasonal mason
blew the lot in her rose

he jumped on his sleigh
to go wet his whistle
and away they all flew
without taking a piddle

but we heard him exclaim
as his sleigh driving was shite
Horney Clitmouse for all!
thanks, I had a good night!

hmmm

Spare a thought for Santa
while we have a holiday he has to clear up reindeer shit....
and find Rudolf who was not in the original sleigh poem...
but he did have a shiny nose
because flying around at night he was overexposed to moon shine and got himself iced up...